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Saturday, May 28th, 2005
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7:36 pm - hi. been a long time.
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i like this. i love fig jam too. been going home to oakland a lot. seeing old faces old loves. still love. life is bittersweet. driving cross country again this summer. so excited for that. freedom. free bird. going to rhode island to massachusets to maine. new york. everywhere. got a new bicycle i'm in love with. recorded a new song on the 'ol 4 track. ...............in quantum physics they say love is an emotion created by chemicals which create an addiction to the emotion you get from the feeling the person the thing the addiction gives you. a selfish thing really. they say it is possible to be in more places than one at once. i'm here and not there. i'm there and not here.
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current music: annihilation time
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| Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
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8:29 pm - boredom and sniffing valium
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iggy pop once said,
"i try to stay near rocks because they have a nice energy."
i agree.
i drove across the country a year ago. from new york to los angeles, taking the southern route. i loved tennessee, especially gatlinburg. it's a small mountain town full of bikers and tourists. tourists can be annoying but the bikers make up for it. we went to this bar called hogs and honey's where there were actually stairs that went from the floor to the top of the bar. these were used by anyone who desired to dance atop the bar. and, most of the girls did. only they kept their clothes on. and a lot of them had missing teeth and ratty big hair. i wish i knew how to insert photos because i got good ones that nite. we hung out with this kid cody, he reminded me of my friend brian patterson, an old friend from "back in the day". high school days. he looks like axl rose circa the good years. he's amazing. we used to sit in his room at nite and he'd play patience on his guitar and sing for me and renee. i saw him over the holidays when i was back home. saw him at timeout in concord. annual reunion party that ace throws. all the old punkers, crusts, losers. it's a good time. anal mucus plays.
so i'm off to tahiti for ten days. my paleness is going to soak in the skin cancer. i can't wait. me. alyssa. and a nearly empty beach. pure beauty at it's finest. it is important to live the life. laban taught me how to juggle. juggling is so much fun and quite a party impressor. i plan on taking to the streets with my man, gypsying around the country, juggling.
keith morris is djing tonite. i'm going. i'm going to stand here until i figure out what it is i want to say to you, after all these years.
live fast love faster.
current music: alkan, performed by lewenthal
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| Friday, December 3rd, 2004
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11:52 am - we're not really living here.
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A lovely lady once told me that, “it is a need to not need” and I began to care to not to care. He gently pressed, no he gently pushed his voice into my hands. Through the wires of which we call upon, to call at, to call upon. Upon mountains of tennessee the heavens of bicycles and chair lifts. Lifting can indeed bring us down if we try to reach a limit, limits are numbers which give us nothing, just expectations. Expect to be expected of. Repulsion. The best trait indeed. History is written, the written word is manipulated. Do not believe anything that is written. Your first mistake in life. To write. We write on our bodies to remember. Forgetting is the best thing in life. It is impossible to forget. You can forget where you came from and always find it. Little pieces fly to tell us we are not alive. We live inside. I look to see and all I see is a little sailboat sailing the small blue sea...
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| Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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5:09 pm - been so long....
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i've neglected this thing quite a bit. how is everybody? hopefully well. it is finally getting cold in california and i am happy for that. shit. what has been going on. so much. my mom died in september. 6:40am on september 26th. makes a lot of things fall into persepctive when anybody dies. especially a young woman's mother. dealing with that but it's funny how life works. all of the horrible countered with the beautiful. was invited to do a reading at barnes and noble. did it, made sure i read what would make some people there uncomfortable, but what is some of my favorite of my work. been making short videos. my most recent is called "i've died a few times." i am content with it and i've been trying to find a space to show it in with some friends as well as put up some photos i've been working on. my relationship with laban is constantly growing and moving and getting better. we've had a hard year but together it's been an amazing year. i'm not sure if i am going to keep this thing going or not. i'm moving again and trying to get rid of almost everything i own. except the essentials i.e. record player and records, desk (with computer, etc.), bed. i'm only moving about 10min. away, to echo park. with some wonderful, creative people........
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| Monday, August 18th, 2003
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10:06 pm - ode.
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you don't fill. you just.
arms kept tight. close by. around.
thighs. and shoulders
to bury heads.
like the way you
when.
necks. disconnected.
conjoined. wrapped up.
you don't.
you just.
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| Sunday, July 13th, 2003
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2:19 am - 2 girls. out of gas. south central L.A.
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would you like to know that i almost ended up in a ditch, dead, tonite? insane. so my friend jen made me go all the way to long beach to see her friend's band play. well, her room mate laura was also going, we've never met, but jen didn't want us both to go, from la. alone so we went together. laura is very nice. so, laura and i are driving home and she mentions how she's out of gas but knows her car will make it. i said do you want to get gas? she said i'm debating but i know it will make it. so, we get onto the 110 and sure enough we run out of gas. thankfully we are near a downhill exit and when we reach the bottom we see a gas station about a block away. only the car died. so we put on the hazards and start to walk. hmm i wonder where we are we say. don't know. the sheriff dries by and doesn't even stop. oh shit we're in the ghetto. we get to the gas station and instantly a mob of crackheads approach us wanting to "help" us. ok so its getting intense and then this man and woman drive up, tell us they saw us on the freeway, got off saw us walking alone and came back to help us. they shoo away all the crackheads. at first i'm a little sketchy of them but at this point i go with it. katie they fucking saved us. they said that we were in the WORST part of south central la, that the cops don't even stop there and that all those people were about to, and i quote, "get us". so they drive us back to our car, help us put the gas in, and make us follow them to another gas station so we can fill up. they were amazing, our angels. so then laura and i drive home with smiles because we're in shock, imagining how bad it could have been. shit, someones looking out for us. what a first nite to spend with a new friend, right?
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| Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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5:39 pm
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does anybody know how to insert a photo in here? if so can you please tell me how to do so???????? thank you.
joey- if you are reading this. i am sorry i have been such a flake. i do want to work for you part time. i have been in and out of town non stop though as of late. i don't want to let you down.
today he told me another of our friends broke up. i said geez everyone is breaking up. he said but we're not. a man's way of making known your relationship can be so funny sometimes. A for subtlety!
i will be making my debut as a revolutionary poet/spoken word artist. laban will be backing me up on keyboards. i am very scared very excited. friends, come show your support. it will be at the 2nd direct action potluck on july 31st at the echo park film center in los angeles. i will also be showing some photos and random art i've been making.
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| Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
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11:54 am - two events this weekend, come show your support
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I'm having two events this weekend!!!!!!
I can't wait to see every one of you!
They are both at the Echo Park Film Center
1200 N. Alvarado st. @ Sunset Blvd
ph 213.484.8846
SATURDAY JUNE 28th - 8pm
SCREENING: PARADISE LOST II REVELATIONS
It is a benefit screening to raise money for the legal fees facing Jason,
Damion, and Jessee.
SUNDAY JUNE 29th - 7pm
DIRECT ACTION POT-LUCK
Bring healthy food
watch videos of political dissent
participate in direct action on the internet
this is democracy people
-laban pheidias
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| Friday, June 13th, 2003
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3:00 pm - to us and all the other freaks. we are family.
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love bandits destroying our own hearts mending the hearts of lovers of friends of thieves of sailors of gypsies of nomads. walking the streets and noticing the cracks on the ground. the wrinkles in her face. the holes in his hands. the love in her heart. always living a life for a life and nobody else. no interest in proving in showing off in bullshit. interested in the souls of the lost waiting to be found but you keep waiting and you're never going to find it so we don't wait we watch and we do. we live. we play. we love. we hurt. we bite,
but not too hard.
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12:42 pm - rub a dub dub
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sittin in the tub with a beautiful boy...
...making love making love making love making music...
we sing and we laugh and we play and we roll and we live and we love and we fuck and we look and we stare and we play all day...
dance party tonite. car wash party tomorrow nite. summertime summertime summertime mmm...
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| Friday, June 6th, 2003
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6:16 pm
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recent highlights:
lou reed is playing in las vegas on my birthday. me and my love(r) are going.
i am going to see patti smith play in san francisco this month.
i am going camping where beautiful trees live with my love(r) and his family.
been sewing, playing the guitar, cleaning, making things, taking photos, being productive. and my love is a black stallion. i am so happy. we laugh and we laugh and we laugh.
took care of my mother, she called and said "thank you for taking care of me." tonite, friday nite, i'm staying in - alone - i am making mail art to send to special people, i am watching a movie, i am cooking for myself, i am taking a bath, and i am doing all of this with thoughts of him and i. my trip back home was amazing. fun in san francisco parks, friends playing music, the sun shining... taking adventures around the city, hand in hand. looking at him from the side, his head turned. looking out windows. stopped in santa cruz, skated a pool took more photos had more laughs. he pulled a tic out of my scalp, ew. stopped in san luis, saw an old friend, stayed in her and her man's 1960's trailer, caught up on missed time. making these moments count. somebody close to me died this past week. she was my host mother in new zealand. we have to hold on to the sweetness in life. he is my sweetness.
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| Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
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10:07 pm - dead cities lie on dirty sands
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i'm in the bay area. my trip to italy was canceled and i am relieved. i wanted to go to italy, but i need to be close to my mother.
walked along alameda beach yesterday. it is so dirty there yet there were families playing. i compared it to the beaches in new zealand and hawaii. it was an odd day. came across a massive dead stingray with a huge gaping bloody wound and it was smiling at me. got my feet dirty and sat on some wood with a friend, the wind blowing my hair into my eyes. into his. the days are hot and we spend them sitting on the porch with cold beers listening to records. taking walks in downtown oakland. going to the bar at nite and seeing old faces, old friends, old lovers. san francisco is beautiful right now. thrift town tomorrow. tonite my dad "chewed the ass out" of my sister and screamed on about our "dysfunctional family". earlier in the day we argued over president bush. i asked if he realized how many people have resigned from office and my father replied with "i support bush i know his family" and i said personal relationships aside do you know what he is actually doing? and he just yelled and screamed about how he hates liberals and that there are too many of them. hm. in the meantime my mother who is undergoing chemo is trying to sleep in her room. i am so glad to not live here but i am so glad to take care of my mother. life is bittersweet. oakland will always be carved into my heart.
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2003
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4:51 pm - exposed.
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alrite. i'm exposing myself a little bit. i have nothing to hide. go to www.labanpheidias.com to see photos i took of laban and there is even a photo of me there too. all the black and white photos are photos i took. i tried uploading a new photo in which you can ctually see my face but it was too big. oh well. if you are really curious you can see me at laban's site. had an amazing weekend. johnny played at a show in a parking lot. ate and made great food. made clothes. went thrifting. watched more documentaries. found out jimmy is in town but haven't gotten a hold of him yet. etc. etc. etc....
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
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6:53 pm
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my mother's body is dying. and i love her. she is my dying heart. o mother.
tomorrow they are giving her a blood transfusion which will take all day.
this isn't fair.
ifeelfallingapartfuck.
fast love dies faster than your gaze. playing like fire and running. sometimes we just drive just drive we drive and we cry they just fall out of me i don't even have to try they just fall out.
i have this problem where i can't even close my eyes they just don't close but fall.
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
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5:33 pm
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" 'come on up,' she called. 'i'm making hot chocolate.' so i went up and there she was, the girl with the pure and innocent dear eyes that i had always searched for and for so long. we agreed to love each other madly."
-j.kerouac
sharp gazes, sore lips, tender bodies, wide eyes, small fingertips, late nite phone calls, long distance, bodies lying close, late nite lovers, cold rain, soft wind, hard bodies next to soft bodies, tangling, showers, bedsheets, hearts mending and conjoining.
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| Monday, April 28th, 2003
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10:00 am - i only wanna get it right...
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"All the same, the light gave my lovely images, negatives, of our encouters. I likened you to beings whose variety was the only justification for the name, always the same, yours, that I wanted to call them by, beings that I transformed as I transformed you, in full light, as you transform the water of a spring by taking it in a glass, as you transform your hand putting it into that of another. The snow itself, which was behind us the painful screen on which the crystals of pledges were melting, even the snow was masked. In the caves of the earth, crystallized plants were seeking the cutaways of the exits. Abyssal shadows, stretched towards a dazzling confusion, I did not perceive that your name was becoming illusory, that it was nowhere except on my mouth and that, little by little, the face of temptations appeared real, entire, alone.
It was then that I turned back to you." -paul eluard (thankyou katie).
new writings,
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everybodyalways.
tangling limbs in sheets coloured with sweat.
saying. everything. lips parted to break. and we broke. you. broke.
me.
it's light when it's dark,
when outlines trace lines
on you. around you.
tracing lines on backs when backs were all one found.
a woman gives her body to many men so that it may not be owned by any one man,
holding onto skin when we're falling down
hey let's shove our feet in our mouths and walk on our heads.
is she the baby yeah i can see it in her eyes,
don't worry honey moms going to be alrite.
i miss you like i know you,
even cowboys get the sores.
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he told me that i hurt him. i told him he hurt me too. i wonder if he was thinking about me (as i was of him) while iggy sang dirt last nite ...'i've been hurt, and i don't care...' we talked for over an hour, standing there in the middle of the space. he said he just wants things to be good between us. he cares about me. i care about him too. nothing is ever easy.
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| Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
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5:22 pm
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the other nite we watched fight fire with fire. he fell asleep before it was over. and when it was over i lay there for 3 hours or so in the same position, no movement. his sliding door was open to the balcony which gives an amazing view of downtown los angeles. i couldn't see downtown though, all i could see was 2 stars in the black sky. and i couldn't take my eyes away from them for more than a few seconds. and they made me so sad. they made me so sad that i cried. still no movement, no sound. i just let some tears roll. i don't know what it was about those two stars. they were shining so brightly. and there i was just lying. staring. him sleeping.
it seems as though it would be harder to love when you've lost a lot of people in your life. but it makes me want to love even more, to have love to share love. i have lost too many people before i was able to tell them how special they were. i refuse to allow that to happen again.
my mother. i go to see her soon. last we talked she told me her hair was falling out and that she wanted to get a wig. i tried so hard, i told her that i liked wigs and that we could find her a nice one that looked like her real hair. i talked so normally about it. because this is our life right now. this is happening. ever since january thoughts of me and my mother have constantly flooded my head. they go back to when i was a baby. they come as pictures, as stills, as memories and songs. i can hear my laughter and i can see her smile and i always see myself in her. her in me. all of this scares me because she is still alive. it seems as though i think of her as already gone. or maybe i am just struck with the sadness in the pit of my stomach when i think of her pain. the radiation the chemotherapy. the hair loss the weight loss the lack of independance. i hear it in her voice, in his voice. life was never fair. but always beautiful. she is always beautiful, even in her sickness her puffy face her plastic skin her bald head. she is my mother. she is still my mother. and she can still put her arms around me, even if i am the one taking care of her. and those two stars, they were us. and together we could conquer the world.
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| Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
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4:35 pm
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so we went to a screening last nite of the good thief. it was so good. so good. we might be going to santa cruz for the weekend i hope. am hopeful/ing.
jonathon is in town from london and we all went for drinks last nite. well, for a drink.
i have arguements about the war everyday. people believe that war is the solution, they really believe this. i cannot believe it. well, i can, most of these people are white middle class brats that follow in the steps of their republican parents. my problem lies in giving up your own voice just to follow. and i feel, from talking to these people, that they have no clue. read (aloud) more of greg palaist' book last nite while boy cooked dinner. this led to many heated discussions (we're on the same page). leading to halls and heated sheets. heated love.
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| Friday, March 28th, 2003
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12:14 am - a poem of lines from other poems
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she is my tender sweet and her little feet are stretched out well which is a treat and very lovely
who (holy alone) holy (alone holy) alone.
they confuse the cross of the machine's body with the cross made by its handlebar.
Jesus sweated profusely. Its uncertain whether or not a female spectator wiped his face.
bedrooms, girls
asleep with their hands upon their hearts,
I see blankets and organs and hotels
with a dash of indian blood
a kind of convenient sob,
in a river i loved one hand
so many evenings rooms walks places
when every breath turns into a tragedy
just like a boat's sails toppling.
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| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003
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1:32 am
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i know i am not perfect.
but i know i am damn special.
thank you for reminding me that people are never who we think they are.
the show tonite was beautiful. and his nod was disgusting. and i thought of the other him.
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